Audience Reaction

742 Middle Street
Nowhere NSW 2167
23rd July 2005

The Managing Director
Bemused Production Absurdities
Level 642
Building F, D Wing
Piffle C. Wilson Annexe
The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company Building
15432 Stolen Moments Way
Refrigerator Door NSW 2167

Dear Sir,

I am writing to object to the rather ridiculous production I was subjected to this Thursday last, “The Cafeteria of the Mind”. I would be hard pressed to find a more preposterous assembly of cast, script or indeed location for this travesty of Theatre.

I myself have performed for decades in a variety of roles, my most celebrated in the Bard’s works. My rendition of the tortures of Lear, Hamlet and even Lady MacBeth have moved many an audience to tears or fidgeting. Although my talents have largely fallen within the more tragic characters, I can say without a shred of hubris or false modesty that my Bottom performances have brought the house down on many occasions. With all of my years experience treading the boards with the Nowhere Players (a division of What’s Going On Productions), I feel beholden to point out the grave misuses to which “The Cafeteria of the Mind” put its cast and audience.
Let us begin then, with the lamentable opening number whereby the principal character, a stolen sandwich (of all things!) sings in a funeral dirge about the tragic course of his (?) life. He (?) is then joined by his (?) love interest, the enchanting Miss Hillbilly, for whom I have held an admiration for many a year, ever since her “bikini” shows on the front of cars for the local Toyota dealership. Her vocal talents were in no way lacking, however the choice of adapting “The Man from Impanema” to her character’s tragedies seemed unfortunate as the two attempted to sing such disparate melodies in the same vein at the time of the chorus.

The tragedy of this recital did not end there. A plot that could give clear soup competition for its thinness compounded the unfortunate musical choices. The dastardly villain was in no way convincing with his constant “Mwaaa-ha-ha”-ing; I assume that this was meant to be maniacal laughter. The snickering clearly audible underneath the mask after every evil repetition gave lie to the performance. The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company Diversion Service were the only bright stars of the entire performance; their rendition of “Crazy Frog Axel F” was one of the most moving interpretations of that piece I have ever heard.

I do not dispute that locating “The Cafeteria of the Mind” performance in the local white goods store refrigerator section was an inspired choice of locale in terms of living up to the advertising for the event. Unfortunately however, charging fifty cents a ticket for my wife and I to sit on top of a dryer seemed more than a little presumptuous. At the end of the performance we discovered that we alone of an audience of six hundred actually paid for our seats!

In conclusion, I must say that I expect that Bemused Production Absurdities will reconsider its alliance with the Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company in the future. I sincerely hope that none in the public or in the world of Theatre will be exposed to such a travesty as “The Cafeteria of the Mind” again.

Your Humble Servant,


Cyril B Haughton, Thespian (ret.)