New production!

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company
in association with
Bemused Production Absurdities
are pleased to present
The Sanity Suspect Players
in
“Fountains of Paste”
Thrill to the fine sprays of toothpaste as they leave the mouth! Frill the mirror with electrically generated fans of pre-loved frothy saliva! Bill your cleaner to scrub it all off! Will the delicate patterns take off as an alternative art form? Mill around wondering what it’s all about! Still the rapid beating of your heart! Pill your towels plucking at them in creative fits! Fill your next load of mouthwash into the design! Above all, swill your way out of the bathroom to see
“Fountains of Paste”
presented in 2¼ acts.

Featuring:

Brevilly Hillbilly as the Manic Mouthwash Meddler

Iva Tycoon as the Mirror Sales-and-Repairman

Egan Ham as the Tube of Toothpaste

And a special appearance by:

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company Diversion Service as The Dentists Who Can’t Show Their Faces

“Urk!” – Pretend critic service.

“It’s a cack! But only if I don’t have to clean the mirrors off at the end!” – our cleaner.

Don’t miss this once in a lifetime event – appearing on a bathroom mirror near you!

One weekend only!

“Fountains of Paste”

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company in association with Bemused Production Absurdities present “Fountains of Paste”. Starring the Sanity Suspect Players. A division of Cleaning Services Are Underrated Productions. Casting by the Thrice-Damned Unrepentant Vigilante Mob of Stolen Food Against Food Theft. All Rights Reserved by an electric toothbrush.

Broken down? Grind your teeth to see....

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company
in association with
Bemused Production Absurdities
are pleased to present
The Sanity Suspect Players
in
“In the Event of Notworkingness”
Have your arteries harden and your blood pressure rise in this thrilling tale of hair-raising errors, breakdowns and failed milkmaids working as bearded Beowulfs. Machines break down! People yell! People yelling wave their arms in the air! Other people run away! Still other people tut-tut! Yes, it’s an all-screaming, report-toting extravaganza! It might be a thin plot, but it’s all we’ve got! Do you like anxiety? Or watching people grit their teeth and pretend everything is fine? Then you’ll just have to see
“In the Event of Notworkingness”
presented in several ¼ acts¹

Featuring:

Egan Ham as the Kalahari businessman

Iva Tycoon as the perpetually unclothed service technician

Sam Agan as the sighing doomsayer

And a special appearance by:

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company Diversion Service as misappropriated machinery.

“An absolute hoot of tiny proportions” – Pretend critic service.

“And I thought trains being late was a drama!” – Someone who came to complain but ended up discussing the terrible state of the world today.

Don’t miss out on this wonderful exploration of equipment failure and crankiness – appearing at a park bench near you!

One week only!

“In the Event of Notworkingness”

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company in association with Bemused Production Absurdities present “In the Event of Notworkingness”, starring the Sanity Suspect Players. Casting by the Unrepentant Vigilante Mob of Stolen Food Against Food Theft – Service Division. All Rights Reserved.

¹ We can't manage a whole one.

Tut-tut! Naughty!

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company
in association with
Bemused Production Absurdities
are pleased to present
The Sanity Suspect Players
in
“Once More a Tut-Tutter”
You thought it was over, didn’t you? Didn’t you? But NO! Once more into the breach (of conduct)! Cry havoc! Let slip the dogs! Release the hounds! Catch the errant Tupperware! Don’t let it get away! Chase the phantom food pilferer! You see, there was a point to all this ranting! Ranting! Yes! Ranting! Some panting! Not to mention quiet tut-tutting! Once again we delve into the dramatisation of a dastardly deed! Chase the actors (and members of the audience) around a large dark room when you try to grab the grub bandit! One Day the Day Will Come, in
“Once More a Tut-Tutter”
presented in 1 act.

Featuring:

Brevilly Hillbilly as Madge, self-appointed moral arbiter and secret tea drinker

Iva Tycoon as the Tupperware vengeance man

Egan Ham as the Narrator

Sherlock Aloysius Haughton as Kenneth Branagh

And a special appearance by:

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company Diversion Service as starter’s pistols.

“The sporting event of the year.” – Pretend critic service.

“Terrific!” – someone we stopped on the street.

Don’t miss this once in a lifetime event – appearing on a table top near you!

One weekend only!

“Once More a Tut-Tutter”

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company in association with Bemused Production Absurdities present “Once More a Tut-Tutter”. Starring the Sanity Suspect Players. Casting by the Thrice-Determined Unrepentant Vigilante Mob of Stolen Food Against Food Theft. All Rights Reserved by a small woman selling large matches at a flower stall.

Occupational Therapy

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company
in association with
Bemused Production Absurdities
are pleased to present
The Sanity Suspect Players
in
"Occupational Therapy Theatre"
A vaudevillian-in-scope collection of repetitive small muscle movements designed to amuse and entertain even the tiniest-minded chinch bug (and sure to induce sympathetic repetitive strain injury in the audience). Watch the placing rubber bands around groups of small bottles! Observe the folding of paper in half! Study the continuous drawing of small circles! Scrutinise the placement of stickers onto small glass tubes! Wince at the sheer mind-numbing monotony of it all! Drool on your companion's shoulder as you succumb to the wafting pleasures of sleep! Bring your own pillow along to
"Occupational Therapy Theatre"
presented in 2½ very long acts.

Don't miss out!

Featuring:

Egan Ham as a sticker (doubling as an applicator stick in clot-checking portion of the evening)

Iva Tycoon as the paper folder

Brevilly Hillbilly as the light relief

Sam Agan as the hill singer, fridge kicker and carpal-tunnel syndrome sufferer

And a special appearance by:

Sherlock Aloysius Haughton as Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

“It took me a week to get the dribble out of my suit” – Pretend critic service.

“There are several breaches of the Occupational Health and Safety Act, and as soon as my wrists stop hurting, I'll issue you with a PIN." - WorkCover NSW inspector

Don't miss out on this wonderful exploration of persistently repetitive arm, hand and leg movements!

"Occupational Therapy Theatre"

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company in association with Bemused Production Absurdities present “Occupational Therapy Theatre”, starring the Sanity Suspect Players. Casting by the Unrepentant Vigilante Mob of Stolen Food Against Food Theft (Physiotherapy Division). All Rights Reserved.

Someone Keeps Forgetting to Flush!

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company
in association with
Bemused Production Absurdities
are pleased to present
The Sanity Suspect Players
in
“Sanitation Sillies”
An awe-inspiring vaudeville extravaganza of non-stop hand washing and closed cubicle doors! The height of eliminatory entertainment! An all-singing and all-dancing exploration of the world of water closets! Feel the might of soap dispensers as they learn to serenade! Delight at the continual flushing! Fight your way in to see
“Sanitation Sillies”
presented in 14½ acts

Featuring:

Egan Ham as a toilet seat

Iva Tycoon as a soap dispenser (or several)

Sam Agan as the towel handler

John Gee-Gosh-Golly as the spy camera

Sherlock Aloysius Haughton as George Orwell

And a special appearance by:

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company Diversion Service as the Goose-Stepping Lavatory Monitors

“A hoot! Bring some castanets and join in!” – pretend critic service

“Don’t forget to wash your hands on your way out!” – the Director.

“Audience participation a must (especially with all that running water)!” – the newspaper delivery boy.

Appearing at a loo near you!

“Sanitation Sillies”

One week only!

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company in association with Bemused Production Absurdities present “Sanitation Sillies”, starring the Sanity Suspect Players. Casting by the Smaller Marsupial Tree Frog Appreciation Society. All Rights Reserved.

Excerpt - Cafeteria of the Mind 3

Once upon a time, there was a frog. He was a very small frog¹, and he lived in a small pond². He spent most of his time contemplating the meaning of being a frog and catching flies. Occasionally he would consider a different diet, but that was only after a passing petroleum film had invaded his haven and wobbled reality. Not being a fish, he had no delusions of grandeur.

On the day our story begins, he had arisen from his damp puddle to enjoy a passing spray of leaves from the big fish that shared the pond with him³, and to consider his predatory movements for the rest of the day.

Arresting his contemplations with a facial tic that had been passed down for generations, he noticed a very large fly buzzing by on its legs of gargantuan size⁴. Pondering a foray into the world of major predation, but giving it up as a bad job, he instead leaves our tale forever as we callously move on to watch the very large fly waddle over to an empty tin once housing some delicious tomato soup.

The fly was merely looking for a place to sleep, having been out to a rave party the night before. He had not managed to enchant any of the ladies present at the rave, and was thinking about the nature of being a fly and whether recreational drugs would enhance his prowess in scoring a mate. Petroleum films were not that hard to come by, although the best ones were guarded by Christmas beetles⁵. Sadly most of his friends had paired off early, leaving him alone in the chill out zone⁶ for nigh on seven hours.

He put his beady six gazillion eyes into the cool dark of the empty soup tin, only to discover it had been claimed by a very large cockroach⁷. Pondering in his tiredness whether to doss down anyway, or to find more suitable digs, his peripheral attention⁸ was claimed by a huge shoe descending towards his back legs at a great rate of knots. Leaping with an impressive twitch, off he flew.

The fresh air was invigorating, and in his delight as he broke the air speed record⁹, he almost failed to notice oncoming traffic of large hominids. Swerving wildly and thus unable to hold his speed for the required time¹⁰, he flew into the ice cream cone of a small toddler who was throwing a disproportionately large tantrum¹¹.

Such was our hero’s speed that the ice cream plopped to the ground, burying a bizarre-looking cricket with dilated pupils in a smoodge of vanilla gelatinised dairy product. At this, the toddler redoubled her efforts to shatter nearby eardrums, and our real hero¹², Jimbo the Average, furniture salesman¹³, winced as he passed by. He was on his way to a meeting with fate¹⁴.

Next week: Can “The Cafeteria of the Mind” possibly encompass any more ridiculous shenanigans? Or is it just an excuse to be silly? Do smaller marsupial tree frogs really exist?¹⁵ Are menus dead? Are the DFTCC still alive? We promise to answer none of these questions in the next thrilling instalment!


¹Of the smaller marsupial tree frog variety.
²More than a spit but less than a squirt from a non-pump water pistol.
³Without much room in the pond, a spray of leaves was the best the fish could manage, rather than an intricate rippling water effect.
⁴At least from our hero’s viewpoint.
⁵The drug lords of the insect world.
⁶An empty peanut shell.
⁷Urk.
⁸That part of his attention not occupied with the urk-iness of cockroaches.
⁹Fifteen feet per second, previously set by an unladen housefly with freakishly large wings.
¹⁰In order to make the record books, forty-two seconds of unbroken flight must be maintained, as decided by the Great Arthropod Convention of 1678.
¹¹Given that she had a chocolate frog in her other hand.
¹²One more and we’ll have an epic.
¹³Flourish of trumpets please.
¹⁴Otherwise known as a job interview.
¹⁵Yes.

We've been reviewed! "In the Eye of the Menu"

When the Menu Strikes, Make Sure You’re in the Eye
The Bad Musical Theatre Team reviews the latest production from Bemused Production Absurdities.

It seems that Bemused Production Absurdities and their corporate sponsors, the Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company, have finally hit their theatrical stride with “In the Eye of the Menu”.

Purporting to be the sequel to the somewhat interesting and at least well-attended “The Cafeteria of the Mind”, “In the Eye of the Menu” stands alone as an outstanding work of theatre.

“Menu”, on the face of it, does not appear to have a lot to offer. The tale of the trials and tribulations of a furniture salesman as he searches for the perfect restaurant with which to impress his long-distance girl could strike as either deathless soap opera or a molar-grinding foray into gritty, but at bottom commonplace, realism. “Menu” manages to sidestep both of these extremes quite nicely and present a cast of well written, if occasionally derivative, characters interacting on a backdrop of several eating establishments.

The storyline is fairly simple – boy has girl, but they cannot be together, boy marks time until girl can return. Nothing really happens – and yet everything does. Borrowing heavily from several sources, including Shakespeare’s “low” touches in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Beckett (of course, Waiting for Godot) and, surprisingly, Kubrick’s Dr Strangelove to name a few, “Menu” brings a fresh look to the search for perfection to impress the ones we love, including touches of the bizarre throughout.

These include the salesman’s head office pushing xylene-softened cornflakes to replace upholstery, the singing of furniture at unexpected moments and the wonderful Iva Tycoon as the utterly mad-confused-and-confusing customer who absolutely cannot make a decision, who resolutely pops up in every restaurant our hero tries. These odd ornaments to the main story serve to introduce and maintain a motif of levity in the midst of what would otherwise be mundane drama. The comic touches occasionally venture into dark humour, and yet the overwhelming feel is one of the general lightness that people, in this set of diners at least, use to carry them through their lives – the good, the bad, and the in-between.

Despite the somewhat manic billing for “Menu”, the play presents as straight drama, riffs of humour and homage-laden subplots notwithstanding. One suspects that the subplots are the main reason for the production. Homage they may be, they are nevertheless skilfully and cheekily done – there is a soupçon of Mellors’ final letter that ends D.H. Lawrence’s Lady Chatterley’s Lover in the way Egan Ham portrays his relationship with his unnamed girl. Indeed the billing is the one sour note in the entire experience that “In the Eye of the Menu” presents its audience.

In final analysis, there really is very little in the way of plot – one has the sense that the writer (who is as yet unidentified – as with most the BPA/DFT work) wrote as if riding a go-cart with hands off the controls and eyes shut yelling “WHEEEEE!” as it hurtled down a hill. Nevertheless, “In the Eye of the Menu” offers a rich exploration of humanity and human beings, even with such a small canvas as this.

Our rating: A

In the Eye of the Menu

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company
in association with
Bemused Production Absurdities
are pleased to present
The Sanity Suspect Players
in
“In the Eye of the Menu”

Tragedy! Redemption! Romance! Grief! Mystery! Farce! Absolutely NO stolen food! Welcome to the sequel of that most wondrous of works, “The Cafeteria of the Mind”. You thought it was all over, but NO! Once and again, emphatically NO! Thrill to the scrapes of a furniture salesman and his long-distance girl (who never appears). Watch as he gorges himself at local eateries as he strives to find the ideal romantic dining service for his girl. Will there be a vanquishing of a villain? Will marble ottomans take off? Will cornflakes replace upholstery? For the answer to all of these questions, and others, you’ll have to see

“In the Eye of the Menu”
presented in 3¼ acts

Featuring:

Egan Ham as the furniture salesman

Iva Tycoon as the perpetually undecided customer searching for that perfect parfait

Sam Agan as the waiter

And a special appearance by:

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company Diversion Service as furniture


“Please lose my number, my liver can’t take any more stolen hubcaps” – Pretend critic service.

“What a hoot! I always thought an ottoman was a German butler!” – Our work-experience diversion service trainee.

Don’t miss out on this wonderful exploration of the human condition – appearing at a local food store near you!

One week only!

“In the Eye of the Menu”

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company in association with Bemused Production Absurdities present “In the Eye of the Menu”, starring the Sanity Suspect Players. Casting by the Unrepentant Vigilante Mob of Stolen Food Against Food Theft. All Rights Reserved.

Our Next Thrilling Production!

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company
in association with
Bemused Production Absurdities
are pleased to present
The Sanity Suspect Players
in
“Weir and Clothing in Los Tapas”

A thrilling tale of the little-known town of Los Tapas and its struggle to be recognised as a fashion-and-dam-building centre on the Nullarbor Plain. Chill to below zero desert temperatures at night! Thrill to the challenges of building dams out of crackers and antipasto! Frill at our once-in-a-lifetime offer of hand-crafted clothing made from well-aged Spam and cereal box tops! Till your own field by going to see –

“Weir and Clothing in Los Tapas”

Will you miss out?

Featuring

John Gee-Gosh-Golly as the naïve contractor (who as an engineer makes a very good belly dancer)

Egan Ham as the belligerent town spokesman (doubling as a sandwich at intermission)

And introducing:

Sherlock Aloysius Haughton as the pompous Lord-Of-All-Creation

“Reminiscent of Jeffrey Archer¹ at his best” – our publicity department.

“If you make me sit on a (running) washing machine in a white-goods warehouse again, I’ll never review your plays this side of Rapture!” – Pretend critic service.

“Goody! More stolen hubcaps!” – the cleaner.

Appearing at a water feature near you! (A sink)

“Weir and Clothing in Los Tapas”

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company in association with Bemused Production Absurdities present “Weir and Clothing in Los Tapas”, starring the Sanity Suspect Players. Casting by the remaining crew members of the HMS Muffy, a British vessel found sailing around Cape Horn several times a day just for the fun of it (thought to be lost at sea). All Rights Reserved, because we have to.

¹ Not the world-renowned novelist and all-round “interesting” personality, but the 16th century playwright who specialised in the dramatisation of the filling out of taxation forms. Sadly his writing career (2 days, 3 hours) was cut tragically short with the inception of the very first help desk in 1532 which serviced the needs of the illiterate and just plain unable by abolishing taxation and bureaucratic forms for the great unwashed until the 20th century.

Bemused Productions Furore

News - Local

Bemused Production Absurdities Smeared

The Vigilante Mob of Stolen Food Against Food Theft are expected to be facing some difficult questions later today from their principal supporter, the Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company.

Late yesterday evening the Piffle C. Wilson Annexe was coated in “Crème cockroachee”, a signature dish of the Desperate Food Thieves. The desserts appear to have been tossed through an open window of the 642nd floor of the building housing Bemused Production Absurdities.

Petronella F. Wilson, Personnel and Catering Manager of the Desperate Food Thieves was said to be “livid” when contacted last night. A press release this morning quoted Ms Wilson as saying that this was “below par” and “unacceptable, even for the Vigilantes – they have no cause to attack either the DFT or Bemused Production Absurdities.”

Dennis Wallingfeather, managing director of Bemused Production Absurdities is drafting a stern response to last night’s food tossing, once she has managed to scrape the cockroach legs off her desk.

None at the Vigilante Mob were available for comment.
-Rueful News Service

Not The Sydney Morning Herald 36
24th August 2005

Breaking News - Slow News Day

News - Local

Slow News Day Sees Record Tedium

Eyes were glazing all over the city yesterday when it was revealed that it had been a slow news day.

Those who spoke to this paper today could not rightly recall what had sent them over the edge into crashing boredom, and several confessed to having forgotten most of their morning paper as soon as they’d read it.

In an unrelated item, the editorial staff wish to apologise for the ridiculous length of a feature reported yesterday regarding a scuffle in a tea room.

We can reveal that the company in question was Bemused Production Absurdities, but that the eruption into paper towel throwing and food tossing bore no relation to their parent company’s failure reported earlier this week.

-Rueful New Service

Not The Sydney Morning Herald 34
13th August 2005

Response to Visitor

The Managing Director
Bemused Production Absurdities
Level 642
Building F, D Wing
Piffle C. Wilson Annexe
The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company Building
15432 Stolen Moments Way
Refrigerator Door NSW 2167
13th August 2005

Mr C. B. Haughton
742 Middle Street
Nowhere NSW 2167


Dear Mr Haughton,

Further to your letters 25th July and 11th August this year. I apologise most humbly if your enjoyment of “The Cafeteria of the Mind” was less than hoped for when we put that delightful production together. Please find enclosed a refund cheque in the amount of $1.00.

The “unfettered displays” of devotion that your previous epistle refers to have not gone unnoticed by the staff here at Bemused Production Absurdities. Indeed, both staff members involved have since moved to Patagonia to raise goats with a cat they met up with in their travels and travails searching for an ex-parrot.

Lastly, and it grieves me to mention this, but I feel I must, I am not a “Sir”. Kindly refer to me in all future correspondence as “Madam”, or perhaps “Dennis Wallingfeather”, which is indeed my name.


Yours sincerely,


Dennis Wallingfeather.

Breaking News - Riot

News - Local

Riot in Tea Room

Employees in a local business were embroiled in a mêlée earlier this week when an unnamed staff member was called in about picking his teeth with a serrated knife.

Several employees were shaken when the situation escalated from a simple sniping using notes on a refrigerator door to an all-in fracas.

Says a source, “Well, it’s been going on for a couple of years now, but nobody liked to say anything. This person would come in and have their lunch, and then pick out the long bread knife we use for cutting up tea-cakes. They’d sit there peaceably picking away between their molars, or even holding a conversation with someone. The knife is double-sided and serrated, and I don’t mind telling you, it used to give me the willies. Anyway, I said to one of the girls, you know, it’ll be an eye out next, never mind the casual rinse of the knife before it’s replaced in the drawer. Finally one of the others had had enough, and put up a note on the tea room fridge. That pair were always going off at each other about something, but this was ridiculous.”

With various complaints and opinions flying back and forth for a number of weeks, the situation eventually erupted with foodstuffs and paper towelling being thrown around the workplace before managers put a stop to the scuffling.

The two staff members involved were nowhere to be found while the conniption was taking place, and were later discovered exchanging meaningful dialogue of a romantic nature in a broom closet.

-All Points Lead Home News Network.

Not The Sydney Morning Herald 67
12th August 2005

Letter from Visitor

742 Middle Street
Nowhere NSW 2167
11th August 2005

The Managing Director
Bemused Production Absurdities
Level 642
Building F, D Wing
Piffle C. Wilson Annexe
The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company Building
15432 Stolen Moments Way
Refrigerator Door NSW 2167


Dear Sir,

I am writing to object to the use of refrigerators by your company for displaying a love letter to the unsuspecting populace. In all my years as a white goods sales- and repairman, I have never seen such a grave misuse of a refrigerator door. I believe that it is not necessary to expose visitors to the rapid fibrillation engendered by unfettered displays of affection amongst your staff members.

I sincerely hope that this will not continue in the future.

Your Humble Servant,


Cyril B Haughton, Sales and Repairman (ret.)

Breaking News

Business News – Financial

No Real Idea What’s Going On Productions Folds

Investors and theatregoers alike were indifferent to learn today that the famed parent company of Bemused Production Absurdities had folded in a hail of leaflets.

The Vigilante Mob of Stolen Food Against Food Theft had been picketing the company for over a month in an effort to rid the world of “unfeeling aggressors who use innocent (stolen) crabs in their market gardens”. The Vigilantes stepped up their campaign with a mass leafleting, which buried a 300-storey skyscraper in a mass of tracts.

No Real Idea What’s Going On Productions reported a loss of $AUD6 billion earlier this week due to a badly timed entry into the food-grade industrial carpet market. Said a paper-muffled spokesman: “Well, I’m not sure. I think that possibly platform shoes may have been the deciding factor, and not backing ‘The Cafeteria of the Mind’. Possibly it’s just something environmental, and we’ll be back on our feet soon. We’re still discussing our future, but we have no real idea what’s going on, after all.”

Bemused Production Absurdities, that mediocre yet eminently successful theatre company, will remain trading as it negotiates with the Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company, as the two have a long and fruitful three-week association. Their next production, as yet untitled, will hit a refrigerator door soon.

-All Points Lead Home News Network.

Not The Sydney Morning Herald 64
11th August 2005

Audience Reaction

742 Middle Street
Nowhere NSW 2167
23rd July 2005

The Managing Director
Bemused Production Absurdities
Level 642
Building F, D Wing
Piffle C. Wilson Annexe
The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company Building
15432 Stolen Moments Way
Refrigerator Door NSW 2167

Dear Sir,

I am writing to object to the rather ridiculous production I was subjected to this Thursday last, “The Cafeteria of the Mind”. I would be hard pressed to find a more preposterous assembly of cast, script or indeed location for this travesty of Theatre.

I myself have performed for decades in a variety of roles, my most celebrated in the Bard’s works. My rendition of the tortures of Lear, Hamlet and even Lady MacBeth have moved many an audience to tears or fidgeting. Although my talents have largely fallen within the more tragic characters, I can say without a shred of hubris or false modesty that my Bottom performances have brought the house down on many occasions. With all of my years experience treading the boards with the Nowhere Players (a division of What’s Going On Productions), I feel beholden to point out the grave misuses to which “The Cafeteria of the Mind” put its cast and audience.
Let us begin then, with the lamentable opening number whereby the principal character, a stolen sandwich (of all things!) sings in a funeral dirge about the tragic course of his (?) life. He (?) is then joined by his (?) love interest, the enchanting Miss Hillbilly, for whom I have held an admiration for many a year, ever since her “bikini” shows on the front of cars for the local Toyota dealership. Her vocal talents were in no way lacking, however the choice of adapting “The Man from Impanema” to her character’s tragedies seemed unfortunate as the two attempted to sing such disparate melodies in the same vein at the time of the chorus.

The tragedy of this recital did not end there. A plot that could give clear soup competition for its thinness compounded the unfortunate musical choices. The dastardly villain was in no way convincing with his constant “Mwaaa-ha-ha”-ing; I assume that this was meant to be maniacal laughter. The snickering clearly audible underneath the mask after every evil repetition gave lie to the performance. The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company Diversion Service were the only bright stars of the entire performance; their rendition of “Crazy Frog Axel F” was one of the most moving interpretations of that piece I have ever heard.

I do not dispute that locating “The Cafeteria of the Mind” performance in the local white goods store refrigerator section was an inspired choice of locale in terms of living up to the advertising for the event. Unfortunately however, charging fifty cents a ticket for my wife and I to sit on top of a dryer seemed more than a little presumptuous. At the end of the performance we discovered that we alone of an audience of six hundred actually paid for our seats!

In conclusion, I must say that I expect that Bemused Production Absurdities will reconsider its alliance with the Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company in the future. I sincerely hope that none in the public or in the world of Theatre will be exposed to such a travesty as “The Cafeteria of the Mind” again.

Your Humble Servant,


Cyril B Haughton, Thespian (ret.)

Excerpt - Cafeteria of the Mind 2

ACT I

Scene i

A tea room, deserted, with over-flowing bins and rubbish on the floor.

Enter the Stolen Sandwich, singing, the tune is whatever comes to mind at the time.

Sandwich:
Oh woe! I can never escape,
The evil man’s grasp-
All I’ll ever have time for
Is one…last…gasp!
He caught me so easily,
Gifted in thievery,
And now all I ne-e-e-d
Is for someone to he-e-e-d-
To win the audience o-o-o-o-over
With my heartfelt rendition
Of theft and perdition
Of being the victim of a victimless crime,
Oh if only I had more, yes more, time!

[stops as door opens, ducks behind nearest chair as the Girl enters]

Girl:
Oh woe! I can never escape,
The chains of my past!
Of hoping I’d grilled up
And toasted my last!
But now there’s a villain-

[Sandwich pops up from behind chair]

Sandwich:
A villain?

Girl:
-yes a villain,
Who wears a horrible mask!
He appears invisible-
(The premise seems risible)
He steals food and scoffs it,
Even the crumbs to the last!
Oh it’s a horrible thing,

Sandwich:
Yes, a horrible thing,

Girl:
I don’t want to sing,

Sandwich:
There’s no choice, that’s the thing!

Girl:
Oh please let me fling-

Sandwich:
What terrible rhy-ming!

Girl:
This horrible lifestyle, awa-a-a-ay!

Together:
Oh woe! We can never escape
The evil man’s grasp-
And now all we ne-e-e-d
Is for someone to he-e-e-d-
To win the audience o-o-o-o-over
With our heartfelt rendition
Of theft and perdition
Of being the victims of victimless crime,
Oh if only we had more, yes more, time!

[They embrace as the stage darkens, to the tune of “The Liberty Bell”]

Excerpt - Cafeteria of the Mind 1

Once upon a time a little old lady named Beatrice lived in the deepest, darkest part of the urban jungle with her sole companion Edmund. The house they lived in was a three-room Gingerbread^TM erection, left over from a (brief) fad in architecture, now consigned to a footnote in history¹, the terribly popular² varnished food house. The Gingerbread^TM was the most popular, although the MilkArrowroot^TM ran a close second; ironic really, as both were made from shellacked corn flakes and empty yoghurt containers.

Beatrice had come down in the world somewhat, beginning her existence in a glorious mansion by the sea. Born to affluent parents who had no skills to speak of³, she had lived a girlhood of few cares and even fewer hardships. When she turned eighteen, she was courted by the local farrier, Duncan, who professed his love by inscribing “I luv Beeeeeee” in fluorescent ink on every horse’s backside he came across, a feat that Beatrice found enchanting⁴. They married in the spring of her nineteenth year. Sadly, the marriage was never consummated: the horse drawing their wedding carriage took offence at having his backside played with by someone wielding a fluorescent marker. Poor Duncan was catapulted over the nearest cliff by flying hooves.

Beatrice, vowing never to marry (or love) again, took up rubber mat embroidery to while away the long days and nights following Duncan’s departure. Although embroidering rubber mats was a fairly successful line of work⁵, Beatrice squandered her investments for retirement when she discovered a deep and abiding passion for cereal box tops. Although her collection was somewhat arresting in its size, it was less than inspiring in terms of capital returns and Beatrice was left destitute. At a time of life when she expected to be resting on the laurels growing in the backyard, instead she was forced to take up residence in the mouldering and successively chewed upon Wafer-esque⁶ estates.

Edmund, ex-parrot-now-dog⁷, was on the run from the Vigilante Mob of Stolen Food Against Food Theft. Many years before he had been mistaken for a masked invader from the dark side who stole lunches and other foodstuffs from a local refrigerator. Since then he had moved from place to place, pretending to be a gargoyle at a church⁸ one month, feeding small children at local fountains the next. Finally he came to rest with Beatrice, who accepted him without question⁹.

On the day our story begins¹⁰, Edmund and Beatrice were enjoying a morning constitutional up and down the two foot garden path in front of their inedible cottage. It had been raining for days, and Beatrice was impressed at the state of her laurels. She was considering taking a holiday back to her girlhood home, much to Edmund’s agitation, as he still feared that there may be an errant wanted poster with his face on it, but Beatrice would not be dissuaded.

“Edmund,” she said, “I feel a yen to travel.”

Edmund sighed. Longing to remain in the sanctuary he had discovered, he girded his loins for the trip over the hill to the house in the distance.

Next week: How does a cafeteria, a girl, a stolen sandwich and a serving of stolen hubcaps fit into this collection of miscellaneous words masquerading as a story? Can the plot get any thicker¹¹? Could any more footnotes fit onto this page? Will the DFTCC write another menu? For the answers to all of these questions and more, be sure not to read the next thrilling instalment!

---

¹Though not in this story.
²Except when it rained or starving wildlife ate the eaves.
³Except a marvellous talent for smiling brilliantly in toothpaste commercials.
⁴His employers were not so impressed.
⁵Particularly on mats used for decorating cars with spectacular sound systems.
⁶Being the fiftieth such development, the building company were running short of inspiring and well-chosen names.
⁷Not dead.
⁸An unfortunate choice, as the local church was a single story clapboard construction with no ornaments to speak of; strangely Edmund was not spotted for quite a number of weeks until he accidentally let fly with a “SQUAWK!” of epic proportions when a cat went by on the street below. The cat was more startled than Edmund - he hopped the first ship to Patagonia and so leaves this tale forever.
⁹And indeed, couldn’t give two hoots about food theft from any refrigerator, as she herself subsisted on a diet of pureed fluorescent markers (left over from Duncan’s supply) and surf board wax.
¹⁰After that extremely long-winded introduction.
¹¹Let’s face it, it can’t get any thinner.

The Cafeteria of the Mind

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company
in association with
Bemused Production Absurdities
are pleased to present
The Sanity Suspect Players
in
“The Cafeteria of the Mind”
A thrilling tale of singing, true loves, escapes, theft and museums. Will the villain prevail? Will the wise-cracking, freedom-loving and somehow perfectly preserved sandwich escape into the arms of his dewy-eyed love? Will his love realise her dream of singing on Broadway and becoming a bottle-cap museum curator, despite her handicaps of tone deafness and bottle cap phobia? Will the Desperate Food Thieves ever stop creating menus? For the answer to all of these questions, you’ll just have to see
“The Cafeteria of the Mind”
presented in 12 ½ acts.

Featuring:

Brevilly Hillbilly as the girl (and sometime toaster oven)

Iva Tycoon as the horrifying villain (and occasional lumberjack)

Egan Ham as the stolen sandwich

And a special appearance by:

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company Diversion Service as the Chorus


“The theatre event of the year” – Pretend critic service.

“A cracker! I’d see it again – but only if they stop serving stolen hubcaps at intermission!” – someone we stopped on the street.

Don’t miss this once in a lifetime event – appearing at a refrigerator door near you!

One weekend only!

“The Cafeteria of the Mind”


The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company in association with Bemused Production Absurdities present “The Cafeteria of the Mind”. Starring the Sanity Suspect Players. A division of No Real Idea What’s Going On Productions. Casting by the Vigilante Mob of Stolen Food Against Food Theft. All Rights Reserved at a lovely corner table recommended by our cleaner.